You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
