Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
