I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
is it fun? or sober?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
