I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
