I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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