I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Randomize
