I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
