Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
