I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
