So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
