I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think I am morally bankrupt
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
