he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples