i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
