The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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