Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
