i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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