i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
