I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
