Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
