TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
