He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
