i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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