I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
