The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
