dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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