so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
