she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
