when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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