that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
