you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
nutella sex= disaster
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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