I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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