Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm eating all of the evidence.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
