Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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