Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
