I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
