Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
