i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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