I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
