I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
vagina is talking i cant
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
