Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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