Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
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This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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