like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
