thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize