Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
