I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
