Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
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Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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