So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
