very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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