i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
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