i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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