i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
