The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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