come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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