Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
