The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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