Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
