she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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