what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
