I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
