when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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