I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
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Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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