He is an equal opportunity slut.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
