When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
