Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
