this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
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My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
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I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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