Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize