i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
