First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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