Jerry, you need to find god
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
