Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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