The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
